13 October 2014

Is there even room in the world for another beauty blogger?

I ask myself this question a lot, quite selfishly. To be honest, I haven't put in the work. I am not dedicated to this blog. I don't have the ambition for this that some people do, and those are the people who have the following that I desire. They work hard. I have not earned my place in the beauty blogging world because I've only posted a maximum of 5 times in the last year. I don't expect to sit idly by and get rich and famous; of course not. But I'm still quite jealous.

It seems like a dream job. I love writing, I love cosmetics. I love photography. I'm good at all of these things. I would love to write reviews day in and day out, take pictures, and talk to people about products. The terrible, awful, no good person in me also thinks it's a lazy job. I start to resent people for having the things I wish I had. When I get myself in a particularly bad mood, I look at my favourite beauty bloggers and go, "what makes them so special? Why do they get all this free stuff? Why do they get to travel the world? Why do they get their own line of products with their name on it? Why can't I have the same things?" I'm a good writer. I have a good personality, too. I just lack commitment. I procrastinate a lot.

I wonder where I would be if I had stuck with this blog over the past 4 years.

I've fallen into a dark place lately. I feel really useless because I wonder if all of the creative things I could be doing with my time and energy are "gone." What's the point of being just another beauty blogger? There are already people miles of steps, of years, ahead of me. I'm not going to be able to offer anything new or better. There was a time when I started and perhaps even before that where there was a skeleton of a basic formula to follow, to get ideas, and then a couple dozen people got famous for their blogs. What's the point starting out when you're already behind?

And I know this isn't the attitude that gets a person views. This isn't the attitude that motivates. It's all about perspective, and hard work, and trying something, anything, to get where I want to be. I have that head knowledge, but I'm just so tired. I can't help but compare myself to everyone, even if I'm not on the same plane or level to even consider comparisons just yet. It's such a flaw.

I don't even feel like I can consider myself a creative person anymore. I don't deserve the title.

I'm going to try this again.

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